In an ideal world every special connection we create would last forever. Our best friend from third grade? Friends for life. Our first roommate? Always just a call away. First true love? A place where love never dies.
As much as I would enjoy for that to be the case, that’s simply not how our dynamic human relationships work.
Having moved around quite a bit in my young life, I’ve had the privilege of making friends, of varying connections, from all over the world. Some have been deeper in nature, and others less intimate, but each have affected me to varying degrees.
I’m certainly not the first person to say this, but our relationships no matter how stable they appear, are anything but. You may think that nothing changes, but with each day you experience a tremendous amount of growth. Thus it’s only natural to expect your views to change as well.
Many of us have a habit of looking at our relationships from a perspective of the past; that is we cling to what our connection used to be. That’s not a bad thing per se, but often times it ends up causing more harm that good.
One of the hardest things regarding relationships, for me that is, is seeing old relationships crumble. I’ve had a great deal of experience of out growing relationships but I’d be lying if I said it was easy to deal with.
The truth is, it’s difficult to let go of a connection we’ve come accustomed to. It’s difficult to say goodbye to someone who helped mold you into the person you currently are. Having recently seen some of my own relationships dwindle, I can certainly relate. It may be weird to think how things can change in what appears to be an instant, but that doesn’t change the fact that they do.
Too often we get caught up in the wonders of the past and forget to realize the same wonders are available to us right now. It’s taken me a while to completely grasp this concept, but as the saying goes “with every closed door a window opens.” So don’t forget to look around. If you’re too busy trying to open a locked door you miss the beauty right out side the pane glass window.
One thing I see many people do, and I’m often guilty of myself, is that when a relationship changes, we tend to blame ourselves.
When out growing a certain relationship it’s important to stay positive about the experience. You can bitch and whine all you want but that won’t change the outcome of the situation. If a relationship you once had is currently incompatible it’s OK to let go.
It’s far too easy to blame others for the results of growing. Don’t walk that path.
“He’s changed so much.”
“She’s not the person I used to know.”
“If only they hadn’t joined that crowd.”
These assumptions are often irrational when looking from a birds point of view. Is it possible that everyone involved changed?
You can fret all you want about why things shouldn’t have changed. You can cling to past moments that will never again be shared. Or you can accept the fact that people, relationships, grow a part.
I’ll be the first to admit it isn’t always effortless accepting that fact. I know because I’ve have to come to grip with my own reality on several occasions, but wallowing in what was only prevents you from experiencing what is.
If you try to force a relationship to fit the bill of what it used to be you’re changing the relationship entirely, which only moves you further from your original intent.
Relationships and force are not compatible.
If you and your current lover out grow each other don’t pretend like you’re living 10 years ago. Accept the new arrangement and salvage what you can. If you and your life long best friend no longer get along don’t pretend like you do.
I’ve tried to force things into the way it used to be, and without fail it’s always ended in disaster. Instead of trying to remold your current situation realize that with growth comes shedding. I’m not suggesting you not fight for a connection you deem worthy, but at least have the courage to let go when your new path is increasingly clear. It’s only natural for your interests and hobbies to change and so to will your social circle, don’t reject the inevitable.
One of the worst things you can do, is prolong a relationship just for the sake of comfort. Not only does that prevent you from making new and perhaps richer connections, it’s also no fun for the people involved. I know letting go can be difficult, but the more you learn to accept that letting go is a part of life, the better you become at dealing with the emotions associated in doing so.
While you are responsible for your own reality, don’t beat yourself over losing a particular connection. Life would be boring if you had the same dozen relationships all throughout your life. Only by moving on and initiating new contacts can you call upon the excitement you seek.
When you view your connections from an empowering new perspective you’re often able to dive deeper than you originally thought. Each relationship you have regardless of length is of great benefit to you, but no relationship is infallible.
Of course Joe has changed. Of course Hannah is no longer her 10 year old self. But neither are you the same person you once were.
Are your relationships as they should be? Or are have you having trouble accepting what is?
To out grow gracefully you must first accept what is. Only then will your world begin to move.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Awesome, insightful stuff again Bud.
And… funnily enough, very pertinent to my current situation (although with friends, not with my lady)
I’ve got friends moving abroad, changing careers, changing focus – and I’m a bit in limbo.
As much as I love my boys, I’m looking forward with anticipation to the new people I’m attracting into my life.
Cheers for a post which helps keep everything in perspective.
Woooh, I could have used this post about a year ago! I was in the middle of growing out of a relationship that was not serving me any more, and even though I had moved half way across the country, it was challenging to let go what was already gone. I wanted to live in the good times, not admit that I had been hurt or messed with emotionally.
The only thing I would add to this post is that people need to accept what is (as you’ve said), even if that is anger, pain, apathy or frustration. If you bury all of that, you’re not actually growing past the relationship, you’re just transforming your experience of it. The first step towards this type of growth is accepting the truth.
Great insights Bud.
One of the great certainties of the universe, apart from death and taxes, is that everything and everyone changes. As you and your partner change so does your relationship. You need to be flexible enough to move and adapt to those changes because the help to drive your relationship forward. Those who are unable to make the change and try to live in the past just stagnate, until they let their relationship move forward then they are stuck in limbo.
I agree with you about not staying in a relationship because you have got to comfortable in it. If a couple has lost their connection and nothing that they do can keep it alive then they need to move on. I can understand that there can be a reluctance if the thought of starting again scares them, or they have invested so much time and energy into the relationship that it is hard to let go, but if they don’t they are missing out on the chance of a fulfilling relationship, and a life.