“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.“-Philip Yancey
How To Forgive Anybody
The act of forgiveness is one of the hardest yet most profound actions a human being can take. Often times it requires courage, submission, and a small chunk of our ever-protected ego. However, to live a truly blissful life, we must learn to forgive unconditionally. Obviously this is easier said than done.
Certainly we all have been subject to extreme hurt throughout our life journey. We have been taken advantage of, ridiculed, and had our good hearts put to the test, and because of this we often find it difficult to forgive.
Over the years I unfortunately developed a great deal of resentment towards many people I loved, particularly my brother. For as long as I can remember my brother and I never got along, often fighting, stabbing each other with insults that would make Satan cringe. The fact that my relationship with my brother was such a miserable failure, truly bothered me. I loved him, and he loved me, yet for some reason we could never coexist in a brotherly manner. I wanted so badly to make things right. Every night before I went to bed, I would tell myself “ forgive him“ and everyday our relationship would continue to get worse.
What was I doing wrong? Why did our relationship continue to falter?
The Three Essentials of Forgiveness
1. Forgive Yourself First:
In order to succeed in your path to forgiveness you must first forgive yourself. How can you expect to forgive someone else when you can’t even forgive your own faults and shortcomings? So often we forget this essential first step.
For the longest time, I thought that forgiving my brother would make everything right; I thought that by forgiving him our problems would magically disappear. However, what I did not realize was the solution had nothing to do with my brother, it had to do with me.
You see I didn’t really have a problem with my brother; I had a problem with myself. I was upset with how I didn’t always act with a kind and loving heart. I was upset that despite being the oldest, I still resulted in throwing shallow insults at my brother. I was exposing him in order to cover up my own insecurities.
As I began to forgive myself for my past faults, forgiving my brother slowly became much easier. Simply forgiving myself changed my relationship with my brother virtually overnight. Obviously we still have our moments, but our respect for one other has increased dramatically.
All because I learned to forgive myself.
2. Accept Your Past:
Depending on how much hurt you have suffered in a particular relationship, this can and most likely will, take some time. But with the right attitude anything is possible.
Look you can’t change what has happened to you, you and I both know that, but what you can change is how you look at your past events. I’m not suggesting that you have to recall hurtful periods of time and smile about them, but rather simply acknowledge that they have occurred and move on. In regards to my relationship with my brother, I often had a difficult time accepting the past.
I would go to bed angry, and wake up angry, thus hindering my ability to forgive him. I would blow out of proportion some of the hurtful things he said to me in order to justify my less than admirable actions towards him.
I soon realized however, that if our relationship were to ever exist in a peaceful state, I would first have to accept our past.
3. Choose The Path Of Happiness:
If you choose to forgo the path of forgiveness you are essentially choosing a path of misery. Forgiving can be challenging, but forgiveness is essential in living life to your fullest potential. One of the greatest reasons we are miserable is because we subconsciously believe that suffering is necessary .We amplify the hurt long after the initial act has taken place.
What we fail to realize though, is that suffering is not normal, we choose to suffer. The sad thing is we are naturally made to be happy, but our social conditioning tends to make us believe other wise. We don’t need the latest product to make us happy.
The only thing we need to live a happy life is a happy mind, a mind that can love and forgive.
Who is it that you need to forgive?
What are you waiting for?
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What a fabulous read. I totally agree with the three points you’ve listed. Letting go of the past is VERY important, but CHOOSING the path to happiness is even more so – I think.
I feel that sometimes we fall into the trap of believing that forgiving has to lead to reconciliation. It just makes it possible. btw, just remember I wrote a post about it
http://micurl.com/t6kypm
Hey Barbara (I followed your tweet to Miguel)(Miguel…go study)
I have never been to this blog. After going back and reading some of your past posts I can better relate to these amazing words. Forgiveness is so elusive. It is so true that my resenting someone else’s behavior or their successes diminishes us. Although we get a momentary sense of superiority when we judge them, we get no long-term benefits. Much is lost.
I know that forgiving others is hard. Why should we…especially when we feel harmed?
I can see from your above post that you have forgiven and you have seen that forgiveness accelerated your growth. I hope that this forgiveness gives you power to open doors and step into new, and inspiring circumstances.
You are so young to be so aware of your surroundings. What a person you are!
Some of the greatest feelings of happiness root from forgiveness.
I forgave someone I’ve been close to my entire life and I think it was one of the best things I’ve ever done.
Very wise words for all of us to remember. While it’s important to understand the past and use those experiences to improve ourselves and create a better life going forward, that progress can only happen when we release the pain and forgive.
Very well put! Thanks for your inspiring words.
Thanks guys for the great comments. If we are to make this world a better place we must first focus on forgiveness
Hey Bud, I absolutely agree with you. Forgiving is all about forgiving yourself first. I read a book on forgiveness last year and this was the biggest big idea I got from the topic of forgiveness. When we refuse to forgive, the person we are holding captive is really us. Thanks for a marvelous post!
Great article. If Jesus forgave those who killed him who are we to not forgive. We are humans and therefore we are imperfect so we do not have the right to not forgive because we all commit mistakes, some more then others but there mistakes at last.
I’m so pleased to have found your blog. I was trying to leave a comment on your more recent post about authentic relationships, but was not getting a “post a comment page”?
Anyway I like your blog!
Best wishes and thanks for sharing
Hey Bud!
I know your brother!
I just moved to shanghai, and we have turned into good friends.
Anyways, I read this article and think it is awesome!
AJ showed me this site.
Your work is great and you have a lot of wisdom for someone so young